He said we were going to spend the summer together. Promising to pay an even $1000 for my services. You know, to paddle a canoe around the lake. Or rebuild a bathroom. Whichever. Because Japanese bathtub installation is almost the same thing as sunning in little row boats. And apparently, the Japanese really know how to take a bath. (Click this link: http://www.bartokdesign.com/japan/7custom_ofuro/)
Unfortunately, my hammer wielding, bikini wearing plans have been thwarted by an acute case of Westley Syndrome. This severe, yet commonly occurring phenomenon often plagues the very best of men. Typical symptoms include: acting as if one wishes to pursue a romantic relationship, and then abruptly blowing you off. So far, it seems to be a prerequisite affliction for anyone I've ever considered as a serious date.
Sooo, now I have to come up with a new plan for summer vacation. So far, this is what I've got: commence my college career at age 32 and apply to Stanford University. That, or move to a farm in Canada and milk goats. I don't know, it's a really tough call. Maybe I can petition to implement a new Ivy League Goat Milking degree. What a toss up.
Meanwhile, I've stumbled upon a surprisingly effective new means of communication. A perfect tool for the stubborn email junkie who refuses to give in. All those times you've followed up a fight with, "That's it! I'm cutting you off! We are NOT talking!" and then immediately spent the next 5 days stalking your ex lover's profile page on facebook? Yeah, this is like version 2.0. But better. Because not only do you maintain the integrity of refusing to cave-- you can send subliminal messages at the same time. It's like esp, in helvetica font.
Yup, that's right, I'm talking about g-chat, my friends. A spin off of the archaic AIM chat, this is the automatic chat line built in for g-mail users. Complete with highly effective manipulation tool: the status bar. Here is where you can vent all your feelings. Say those things you are thinking, but are resolved not to say. Tell that yellow, spineless Adonis of a boy what you really think. He changes his status to "I lost...."? No problem. Just rebut with, "Losing is for suckers. Winning is for suckers too. I suck good." Ohhh, oh no, I'm sorry. You can only write that if you're over 18. And have a 1-900 #.
But the point is... well, you get my point. Phone sex operators should stick to the phone. And vengeful people with troublesomely high IQ's should stick to their computer. I once had a roommate who always had to have the last word. Even if she was wrong. Even if her boyfriend locked her outside of the house because she was yelling and screaming and being completely loony tunes. Even if she then took a flower pot, smashed it through his window, resulting in a big gash across her forehead. This is one tried and true method of passive-aggressive manipulation. If you like things loud and messy, this might be the preferred method of winning fights which works for you. Personally, I vote for something a tad less brutish and a smidgeon more ruthless. But her boyfriend eventually opened the door, exclaimed, "Oh honey, you're bleeding!" and took her in. Now they're married. I was in their wedding.
Really, though, I say the future of argument winning lies in the cunning manipulations performed via your computer. G-Chat. It's the safer, stealthier, pop culture meets uni-bomber, way to win.
